I have been talking about quitting for over a decade. What good does it do? Monday I awoke a mere thirteen minutes before I needed to be at work. I was so tired the night before I forgot to set my alarm. Or I set it and turned it off in my sleep. I shot out of bed, jumped in the shower, grabbed a banana, some water, and a protein bar, and headed out the door. I only had to traverse a straight line across Prospect Park so I was only ten or so minutes late but so embarrassed.

Untidy sleeping habits make for an untidy life. I also HATE being late. In the course of running out, I realized I had not set the coffeemaker the night before to the delay brew it normally is. I made it until 11:30am before I had to go off and get a Diet Pepsi and have a couple Advil before the inevitable migraine took over. I had a caffeine deprivation induced migraine earlier this year and became nauseous. I used to joke that I would lose my personality if I stopped drinking coffee but now I know for sure that I am a true slave to the grind.

I don’t do fancy coffee drinks. I just drink straight coffee. No sweetener. I hate when they put in sweetener. I learned fast when I moved to NYC that a regular coffee meant two creams and sugar. 80% coffee and 20% other. I was a barista at Starbucks at a particularly low time in my life. I thought it would be ok since I loved coffee and wanted benefits. What a soul sucking experience that was. Stockholm syndrome pure and simple. Also, I increased my caffeine and sweets intake to unreal places. I think it has taken me this long to detox from the whole experience but I still get suckered in by the Siren. That’s the name of the mascot. Brilliant, huh?

God only knows how much money I’ve sunk into coffee by now. I was also smoking off and on for a number of years. My teeth were once white and straight. Now they are off and kinda gross. As a child, I drank more soda than I should have. I avoided milk after having to ingest a glass of sour stuff at age 2 or 3. Now I’m of an age to take my decisions into my own hands. Actually, I’m beyond that age but I’m thinking more like an adult now. That’s part of my teenagerization of our culture for a future installment.

But Monday, I thought, “Yes, I can do this. This could be the beginning of the end of coffee’s grip on me. I can get back to sleeping better and eating better and feeling healthier.” Almost as soon as I thought that, I had to get some caffeine. Is there part of me that must keep me down? Would it just be too easy for it to be easy? The panic of having to change is what got me I think. I mean, that wasn’t the immediate thing but it was underneath it. Immediately, I had to get the imaginary pillow out of my head. I felt kind of vague and confused. I like to be sharp.

Right now, I feel a little off. I had a couple cups of coffee but only 7 hours sleep. Now I know there are some out there who never even get that much but to me that really throws me off. Some say caffeine is good for you. Others say it’s bad. Just like anything else. Except for cigarettes. I think we are all in agreement they are plumb freaking awful for you. The commercials now where they show fat deposits in arteries. Gross. It’s been over a year since my last cigarette. I think the fat came out and went to the rest of me. I am just beginning to get control of my weight again. I don’t want to join Valerie with Jenny Craig.