Up, Down, and In Circles

Went to the dentist today. I called on Monday to see if there was an opening. “Wednesday at noon?” “Fine.” “It’ll be with the doctor, the hygienist will be out.” “Um, ok.”

I find I like to have women do the cleaning of my teeth over the men. While they gasp more and make more comments about the horrors in my mouth, they usually have a gentler touch. They are kinder when they inflict pain. The men are like dads who decide to do some cabinetry work in the garage, even though they haven’t touched woodworking tools since high school. They are also less patient. “Open. Wider. Open, please! Open!! You drink coffee, don’t you? Open again!!!”

I’m contemplating getting Invisalign braces. I had braces from 7th grade to 11th grade. Wore retainers for a year. Then lost them. My teeth were straight and white. They began crowding in the front again in my mid-20s. Now my lower teeth look like I’m holding a hand in poker. Cleanings take too long. They’re never convinced I floss regularly, even though, my hand to God, I do.

I do drink coffee and Diet Coke. And Guinness. I could switch to white wine, sip through a straw, and add milk but then the terrorists win.

More and more I look at people’s teeth and skin. I really need a new hobby.

Next month I might do the master cleanse. The one thing I’ve noticed about people who do it: they become crazy on day 3.