So the other thing that made America more American yesterday was the win of Californian Joey “Jaws” Chestnut in the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest. My girlfriend finds it disgusting. I find it fascinating. Kobayashi looked to be coming back this year after having a lot of work on his arthritic jaw (kind of bad for a 30-year-old) with a dental specialist in his home of Japan.
Maybe he would have had a chance if the timing rules of the event hadn’t changed. It was reduced from 12 minutes to 10. The two top eaters were dog for dog until the bell at which time they were tied with 59 dogs each. So they had a 5 dog challenge that took them both by surprise.
Chestnut who was defending his yellow belt title from last year was asked what the difference was between Kobayashi and him. “Want and need,” he responded. He wanted it, but I needed it.”
I wrote a monologue as part of my last produced solo show, American Badass. In honor of these brave gurgitaters, I’m posting it here.
Competitive Eater from American Badass (or 12 Characters in Search of a National Identity)
(Jimmy is on a talk show.)
I’m sorry. I’m having a little trouble picking up the satellite feed. Oh, there you are. Well, I’m here in front of Nathan’s on Surf Avenue in Coney Island where I’m sure your viewers, Dave, will remember what a heartbreak it was to see Kobayashi lose to Joey Chestnut. But, even so, you have to admit it was great to have the yellow belt come back to America last July 4th. With Kobayashi’s arthritic jaw, Chestnut is the man for me to beat. I know I might be a long shot since I just began Competitive Eating last summer. Oh yeah, that very day in fact. I was standing right over there next to a guy whose entire head was tattooed and felt like I received a calling. What could be more American than shoving huge amounts of food in a short amount of time?
Since then, I’ve been going through a strict training regimen and I’ve actually lost quite a bit of weight. Ironic, isn’t? Who doesn’t want to be me? So I’ll be putting out my special diet book after the competition when the world knows who Jimmy “Slaughterhouse” Dillon is.
I take my inspiration from the work of two great eaters. Eric “Badlands” Booker ate fourteen pounds of cabbage a day to prepare. And he downed 15 Burritoville Burritos in 8 minutes. Then there’s Sonya “the Black Widow” Thomas. Remember Cool Hand Luke eating 50 hard boiled eggs in an hour? She did 65 in under 7 minutes. She’s only 105 pounds and eats one big meal a day. I’ve been also running, biking, swimming, and taking ballet classes. Laugh all you want then feel how tight my ass is. I am a machine.
I’ve been working with different techniques. I played with Kobayashi’s “Japanesing”, which is breaking a dog in half and putting both ends in. Usually, you use water. I have a new thing where I’ve been training my gag reflex and larynx so I can do a whole dog gulp every fifth dog or so. Chestnut did 66 dogs in 12 minutes so I’m gunning for 80 to take the Superbowl of Competitive Eating to a whole new level. After that and the book roll out, I’m going after Kobayashi’s cow brain record of 17.7 pounds in 8 minutes.
I think I should make it clear for the kids watching that the International Federation of Competitive Eating strongly discourages any training at home or in an unsafe environment. I always have a spotter. All sorts of things can go wrong, the least of which is a “Roman Incident”. Vomiting, Dave. That’s automatic grounds for disqualification. Kobayashi upchucked in ’02 and was almost tossed out but he held in most of the contents and the vomit in his mouth. There’s still some fighting over this in certain circles but I say if you keep the puke in ‘til the bell, you get to stay in the Big Chowdown.
I’m doing this because Nostradamus predicted I would dominate in this arena. He said, “After there is great trouble in mankind, a greater one is prepared.” That’s me, I’m the greater one. If there’s one thing I want to leave behind for my children it’s a sense that I went to places others wouldn’t dare and achieved something unbelievable. That’s the whole idea of being an American, isn’t it? There’s no place for number two. I’m doing this to show the world we are indeed the number one biggest, badass consumers in the world. USA! USA! USA! Everyone! USA! USA! USA!