End of Old Ways

Suicidal thoughts have been a part of my life since my friend killed himself the summer before my senior year of high school. Mostly, they are a signal it is a time for a change rather than a desire to end life.

Sometimes the thoughts are a desire for escape. They sometimes come when I haven’t performed for awhile. They let me know that I’m not connecting enough with day-to-day reality. There’s so much in life that passes you by when you are always thinking ahead or worrying about what’s in the rearview mirror. One day you wake up and realize summer is almost over.

If options seem minimal, they can be the last possibility available. Then they are a wake up call for more creativity and flexibility in my thinking about dealing with circumstances.

They can be the dark end of embarrassment. “I just want to die!!” Seems funny in sitcoms or teen movies. If really feel like that then my ego needs to be checked and my sense of humor needs to wake the hell up.

They can also tell me if I’m putting too much energy in the wrong thing. There’s nothing worse than sitting backstage and dreading going out there to perform something you know they aren’t going to enjoy or appreciate.

The thing I am trying to end now is a bad habit of self-sabotage.

It’s a major enemy within. It is clever and sly. It’s slippery and it vanishes whenever you corner it. It disguises itself as your friend and bullshits you worse than a con artist. It kicks your foundations until they shake and crumble.