Sparing Change

I was saying to a friend the other day I feel like that guy at the end of the A-Ha video who is a cartoon and slams himself into a wall repeatedly until he becomes real. Except I feel like I become real for a moment and then go back to being a cartoon. I kind of feel lost. Not sure what I want to be doing and have no plan I’m coasting on now.

My cousin has been coming up a lot recently from Ocracoke where everyone is laid back. I can only imagine Hawaii being more so. Half the time in my head I’m screaming, “Come on! Come on! COME ON!!” Like I’m stuck at a traffic light waiting for her to decide if she’s going to make the left turn or not so I can go. My patience is down and I feel like I’ve got shit I’ve got to do. I think I’ve caught the disease.

I was told recently I’m going through a major transformation. One that I was supposed to go through 5 years ago but for some reason I backed off. At that point my life was a volcanic blues song so I don’t know what that means. I was doing more breath awareness meditation and, oddly enough, smoking a pack a day. I was reading a lot about The Mess and how the real nature of life is who were at those times when we aren’t together and our defenses are down and the money is gone and people hate your guts.

Now I feel parts of my life are much more together than ever but others are starved or are this weird monster grumbling and spinning because the music stopped and I haven’t found an open chair in 20 minutes. I don’t know what that really means because I’m trying to write without pre-thinking or censoring.

Then I stopped.

I don’t know where my place is now. I see plays and I don’t know what I’m seeing. I got to readings and I don’t understand what people are saying they like. I watch television for far longer than I should because of the buzz it gives but then I can’t tell you what happened. I work out and I’m so fucking bored I think I’ll go out of my skull.

My body isn’t changing, my mind isn’t changing, and I think about money about money about money. Then the world is so vast and insane. I could never reach my arms around it. Bono tries and he only gets so far with it.

I keep coming back to trying to figure out what matters. I think I’m supposed to deal with that. To confront that. To express that with my work. The difficulty for me with that is how I’ve walked around with a feeling that I don’t matter. In a fundamental way. It’s hard to talk about the value of things when you don’t have any. You can talk about the lack of value but that won’t get you off the front porch and into the world.

I came across the question, “What would you do if you knew you only had 6 months to live?” How would that affect what you do, where you were, what decisions you make? I stop short because I think about resources, time, permission, money, logistics, etc. The stuff that makes me push that question away.

I know there has to be a healthier and more balanced place with all of it. Not over-entitled or undernourished. Somewhere in the middle. Again, rather than relaxing into what this is, I’m chipping away at what’s wrong. It’s an inexpensive substitute for a hobby but not a lot of fun this not enjoying thinking how much I don’t enjoy the stuff I don’t enjoy. It’s like a new layer.

All this falls under the category of Shit You’re Not Supposed to Think About. That’s what people say. “Just forget it. Don’t think about it.” I really hate that. “Just go out and do something fun.” I think my untethered sense of value is partly in reaction to the greater financial torpor.

I think if I knew I only had 6 more months to live, I’d stop trying to get people’s approval and pursue what I think matters. I’d also talk like an old man who has long ago given up mincing words. I’d be crazy honest and bitingly funny and not give a shit about the repercussions of hurt feelings. I wouldn’t be purposefully mean or vindictive, I’d just put it all out there.

I’ve stopped risking. I’ve stopped enjoying. I shit my time away. I allow others to suck my time up. Maybe I need to think more like this is my last 6 months and then reassess around Sept.

On the plus side, I’m getting a nice tax refund.

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