My Brain ‘Urts

There’s an old Monty Python sketch in which Mr. Gumby, played by Michael Palin, goes to a Gumby doctor, played by John Cleese, and moans “My brain ‘urts” in a Cocknye accent. It’s brilliant in a way only true geniuses can play stupid.

Over the last couple of days, I’ve had a throbbing pain in my left temple and in the back of my left eye. The source switches from a pressure migraine initiating in my temple to feeling like the optical nerves are being pulled taught like the reigns on a horse that must come to an immediate halt. In short, my brain hurts.

It started a couple of days ago while I was doing some intense physical activity and I chalked it up to dehydration and allergies. I ignored it and worked through the pain but then I felt a build up and eventually a pop that felt like it came simultaneously through my eye and the side of my head. My eye discharged a fluid that seemed a little more viscous than tears. I took an allergy tablet and 3 ibuprofen.

Yesterday, I had some residual ocular labor tremors but reassured myself that I could see just fine and move my eye in all directions. As the evening wore on, the pains returned. I did some superficial research online and saw what it might be.

The first is allergies. This makes sense. Since moving to NYC my allergies have gone up a ton. I thought it was bad in Virginia where my black pick-up truck would be yellow from March to October but here it sneaks up on me. That pop felt like a sinus going bad and leaking into my eye, which I know makes no sense. This could be solved with higher strength allergy meds.

Next is glaucoma. The tightness of the ocular nerve fits the description. I should get tested and find out if I need to start taking medical marijuana to counteract this immediately. I guess I would need to move west of the Hudson River but I’d live.

Then it seemed that a tumor could be the culprit. My grandfather had brain cancer so it’s not out of the question. This would require things I’d rather not think about at this time.

It could be a pressure thing caused by who knows what. I keep doing that pinch-your-nose-and-blow-until-you-pop-your-ears trick hoping that will ease the pressure.

The final option is ocular migraine. This is brought on by a change in blood flow to the brain. It can be treated with 3 weeks of antibiotics. This makes the most sense but usually the migraine causes no pain in the eye. However, it does last a couple of days. It seems there might not be much in the way of answers if I go to see a doctor about this.

I’m giving this until Monday. Then I’ll give up my fantasies of being stricken with something preposterous and dying early, and actually go to the doctor for a real diagnosis.

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